You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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