Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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