Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
