I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
