Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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