My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
