his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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