we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
