All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
