WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
