Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
