I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
