Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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