Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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