6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
