Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
