My sheets look like a crime scene.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
