if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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