I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
