i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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