Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'd cum for enchiladas.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
