So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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