So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
