Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
