I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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