my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
