Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
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