I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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