was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
