we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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