sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
