Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
50% drunk capacity currently
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
