I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
