I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
