I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
