I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
