Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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