If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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