I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Randomize
