I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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