I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
