So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
