The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
