Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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