Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
