I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
