I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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