she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
