I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
