I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
