I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
