i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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