The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Is Oprah even human
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
