it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky