i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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