i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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